Do we truly understand the essence of love and how to cultivate healthy relationships? It's time to question the outdated societal relationship models that may be failing us. Recently, I came across the concept of Attachment styles and discovered my own attachment wound. You might be wondering, "What is this thing Scarlett is talking about?" Attachment styles are patterns of behavior that develop from childhood bonds with parents or caregivers, shaping how we interact and attach to the people closest to us. These styles have a significant impact on our mindset and behavior in our closest relationships.
My Anxious Attachment Wound:
As I delved deeper into attachment styles, I realized that I have an Anxious Attachment wound. This often leads me to be drawn to individuals with Avoidant attachment styles. Think of classic romantic comedies with their cat-and-mouse dynamics, dramatic encounters, and passionate love. But let's face it, these relationships don't always create a healthy foundation. True, balanced love might seem less exciting, but it should be easy and harmonious, rather than fiery and destructive. Being a newly divorcee, I realised how me being committed to one person for 13 years, has narrowed down my dating experiences and conditioned me to a certain pattern of relating to relationships. Returning to the dating scene now, I only really have "dating g experience" of a 20 year old version of myself. While I feel rusty and uncertain about what I'm doing now, I have gained wisdom and a deeper understanding of myself over the years. I now clearly recognize my triggers, particularly those related to love, this is what made me curious to explore my past relationship experiences and why I now know why healing trauma is and should be of utmost importance, if we ever want to have loving relationships.
The Complexity of Love:
For generations, we have struggled to truly understand how love works. Real love is a complex and deeply personal experience, as each person gives and receives love in their unique way. The landscape of love and dating has undergone significant transformations due to technology, knowledge (or the lack thereof), and the internet. However, one glaring truth remains: we know so little about ourselves, let alone how to truly know another person. We all carry subconscious wounds that we never asked for, and without awareness and inner work, we cannot heal them.
Recognizing Our Own Trauma:
How many times have we blamed our bad romantic or non-romantic relationship experiences solely on the other person? Labels like "emotionally unavailable" or "narcissist" are thrown around. But what if I tell you that the dynamics you experience in relationships are, in fact, a reflection of your own unresolved trauma? The common advice of "just learn to love yourself, and then you'll be loved" is flawed. Firstly, love is a universal energy that can be given even if receiving it is a struggle. Secondly, the only way to heal relationship trauma is through relationships themselves. Therefore, it is vital for each of us to introspect and understand why we attract certain dynamics in relationships and what within ourselves is perpetuating them.
Understanding Attachment Styles:
To foster healthier relationships, it is crucial to comprehend the difference between healthy attachment styles and insecure attachment styles, and how they develop. Here are the key points:
1. Recognizing an Attachment Wound:
Identifying signs of an attachment wound can help shed light on our emotional patterns and behaviors in relationships. Some common indicators include fear of abandonment, excessive need for reassurance, jealousy, and a constant need for closeness or distance.
2. The Four Attachment Styles:
a. Secure Attachment: Individuals with secure attachment feel comfortable with intimacy and autonomy. They have a strong sense of self-worth and trust in their relationships.
b. Anxious Attachment: Those with anxious attachment seek constant reassurance and fear abandonment. They often display clingy behavior and may struggle with self-esteem.
c. Avoidant Attachment: People with avoidant attachment tend to value independence and may avoid emotional intimacy. They may struggle to express their emotions and maintain distance in relationships.
d. Disorganized Attachment: This attachment style is characterized by contradictory and unpredictable behaviors. Individuals with disorganized attachment often exhibit fear, confusion, and unresolved trauma.
3. Nurturing Insecure Attachment Styles:
If you or someone you care about exhibits signs of an insecure attachment style, it is essential to approach the healing process with compassion and understanding. Seek professional help, such as therapy or counseling, to explore and address the root causes of the attachment wounds. Engage in self-reflection, practice self-care, and cultivate healthy communication skills to create a foundation for healing and growth.
My aim over this next few weeks will be to provide you with more information on this topic. In my blog I will be delving deeper into each of these styles and help you gain clarity, and recommend ways to Strat your healing journey. Recognizing our attachment styles and wounds can empower us to develop healthier and more fulfilling relationships. By understanding our own trauma and being compassionate towards others, we can break free from repetitive patterns and foster a more authentic and loving connection. Love, at its core, is a transformative force that thrives in the presence of self-awareness, healing, and growth.
Your Mystic Muse